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Best Friends
Deciding What To Do (And How To Cope) When Your Husband Has An Affair With Your Best Friend
I'm starting to get correspondence about husbands cheating with their wife's best friend on a much more regular basis. And, this is among the hardest of topics to address. Dealing with a husband's affair is hard enough. But in this case, the betrayal is compounded because you've been betrayed by the two people that you love the most.
And, not only do you have to evaluate your relationship with your husband, you also have to question your relationship with the woman that you have always regarded as your best friend. It's an incredibly vulnerable and painful position to be in. And, since your best friend is personally involved, you can now lack the support that you may have had. It can feel like you're the most naive person on earth and you can wonder if they are both laughing at you behind your back.
Banishing them both from your life can be very tempting, but I find that many women hesitate to do this. I've even had people tell me that they both stayed married and remained friends with the other person. I often wonder if this is the healthiest situation available, but this is a decision that everyone has to make for themselves, taking into account what works best for them. However, if you've not yet decided which course to take, the following article will offer some insights into this situation that I hope will help.
Getting Past The Betrayal To Decide What You Really Want: It's so natural and understandable to be reeling from this situation. The shock and disbelief that follows finding out your best friend has been sleeping with your husband can be ongoing for quite some time. This doesn't mean that you aren't coping well or that something is wrong with you. It's natural to struggle with this sort of double betrayal.
Eventually though, you'll need to decide that, for your purposes, it's not about them. It's about you and what you need to overcome this. To that end, you'll often need to stop thinking about them and to start thinking about yourself. Ultimately, you'll need to decide what you truly want and need. I often have wives tell me: "well, what I want is my old life back. What I want if for this not to have happened."
Unfortunately, that's just not possible, although I wish it was. To really heal, you'll need to eventually stop revisiting the past and start looking to the future. And when you do, you'll have to ask yourself what you want out of your life and if that life includes either one of them. This is usually not a decision that comes easily so don't rush yourself or feel pressured. Take all the time that you need.
Deciding If You Want To Save The Marriage, The Friendship, Both, Or Neither: Believe it or not, sometimes I hear from women who would rather save the friendship than the marriage. In this case, I often hear comments like: "But I grew up with my best friend. She's like my sister. I've known her for longer than my husband and she's more important to me. I'd rather keep her than him."
I would never second guess someone else's decision. And I always tell people there really aren't any right or wrong answers. There are only the right or wrong answers for you. But, I have to admit that I have concerns for wives who are willing to keep friends like this in their lives. Your best friend likely knew how much you love your husband and she also knew your vulnerabilities. And yet, knowing both, she still crossed the most basic of lines. Is this really the type of person that you want to surround yourself with? If this the kind of history that you can overcome?
The answers are yours alone, but I'm not sure I could look my best friend in the eye or feel any kindness or affection toward her if I knew that she betrayed me in this way. When I mention this, people will often say: "well the husband betrayed you in the same way. Why does he get a pass?" That's a good and valid question. The answer lies partly with my family and my children and partly with the fact that he's more tied into my life and my future than any friend that I might have.
Often, if you decide that you want to save your marriage, then it will be that much harder to also save the friendship. Moving past an affair is hard enough, but having to literally see "the other woman" on a regular basis makes it even more difficult. How can you ever confide in this friend again (especially about anything related to your marriage or your husband) knowing what you know?
And often, continuing the relationship with her will bring back all the doubts, anger, and insecurity on a regular basis. I often advise couples who are trying to heal after an affair that they must distance themselves from the other person. This can't happen if the best friend / other woman remains in the picture and is re injuring the wife on a regular basis. And, even if the best friend is out of the picture, couples in this situation will often need some sort of help in moving past this.
Some wives will decide that this sort of betrayal is just a deal breaker. They worry that they will never be able to interact with or love their husband in the same way ever again. They suspect that every time they look at him, they are going to see the best friend / other woman and continue to relive this over and over. So, the only way to avoid that is to banish them both. That's completely understandable. No one can or should fault the wife for this as this situation is a devastating blow.
That's not to say though that this situation has to mean that you will never be the same or that you can't heal. You can. It make take time and you may need some time and / or help. But there is no reason to let the actions of two people affect you for the long term. You didn't chose this path. They did. So, don't let their actions affect your own happiness and well being for the long term. You can't control what they did. But, you do have some control over your reaction to it, the outcome, and your own healing.
Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to offer support and to share personal struggles. I know that this is a very difficult time, and there are times when you will need to set boundaries, but healing is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair and save my marriage. This was the right answer for me, but every one is different. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
About the Author
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Can you stay best friends even if you go to different colleges?
My best friend and I are going to different colleges this fall. We are inseparable, and when we aren't together we txt constantly. Am I naive to think that our friendship will stay strong through college? Is it possible to stay best friends and go to different colleges? =/ i mean that's what facebook and cellphones are for right?
I am still best friends with four folks who went to different colleges after 40 years. Three male one female. You just have to make an effort to stay in touch.
Scrubs Best Friends
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